shakespeare

How about this one that was emailed to me recently? Its real BTW. Enjoy.

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Dear Sirs,


May I take this opportunity to introduce myself? My name is ****** *******and I have recently finished a course in Close Protection with *_*_*..... in *_*_*.

I feel that a short interview would give us time to get to know each other and we can discuss how I could be of benefit to your company. Together with my outstanding Close Protection skills results from the course and experience of working with many diverse backgrounds, I am sure you will see I could be a great asset to you.

I have attached my CV for your perusal. As you can see, I have spent my last 14 years working as a Care Assistant for *_*_*_*_* Home for the Elderly in *_*_*_*.

During this time at *_*_*_*_* Home for the Elderly, I learnt to cope with many stressful situations and through dedication, hardwork and determination was quickly promoted to Senior Care Assistant. I am used to dealing with huge responsibility in an ever changing workplace and take it in my stride. I feel I have both the qualities and character that a professional company such as yours is looking for.

I am booked on a Close Protection Fire Arms course from the ****** with........... for**** >>>>___<<<< and am available for interview upon my return. I feel this will give me the ultimate skills to perform a armed role for your company should it be required.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours Faithfully,

*************


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Dear Mr *******,

Thank you for your recent enquiry. Unfortunately our Company policy requires us to invite candidates to an interview with us, and not the candidates inviting themselves.

I am pleased that you successfully completed your Close protection training with *_*__*_*>>>. I shall be contacting them later today to ask them why you:

a.) Were actually allowed on the course
b.) Actually passed the course
c.) If there was a role within the Non Hostile and Hostile market for armed Care Assistants for the elderly that I was completely unaware of?

Please understand that 14 years in your one and only job as a care assistant does not really equip you to join the Close Protection industry. Although you state that you can deal with ever changing stressful situations in a care home, I do not think it would equip you for a complex ambush with multiple casualties 75 miles from the nearest friendly forces.

However, should we require armed care assistants for the elderly in the near future I will of course be in touch.

I wish you all the best in your endeavours Mr ********.


Regards

**************

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Legioner

Honest response i think!
What company are you working for?

silent

Once again shakespeare I bow to your literary prowess however I can beat that....... i recently recieved a CV which stated 18 different jobs in less than 8 years with no explanation on why they left any of them. However the candidate did go on to say that his strengths were loyalty and honesty!! 18 jobs in 8 years.....hmmmm??? me thinks that maybe one of his two main strengths were lacking perhaps???
Keep em coming buddy!!

annie

seems i have been going wrong for so long.... where i normally send in a CV and await and interview i now am privvy to reality and see i actually should be simply inviting myself for an interview.

Those elderly people can be highly dangerous mind...... i mean they have sharp impliments like zimmer frames to contend with, and realistically they can get a bit out of hand at certain events...... like possibly a 90th birthday party!

14 years as a care home assistnat i'm amazed he doesn't have an MBE cos he needs one!

Care home assistant to CPO is a HUGE leap mind, but takes all sorts , armed ones ..... well that is a worry personally!!!!

Excellent response to his email though

kenpsd

Shakespeare, I really don't know which is funnier, the original email or the reply....absolute classic...both of them. I may have to check myself into that establishment as they seem to have such highly qualified carers, I am starting to smell faintly unpleasant and keep forgetting where I have left my teeth.! You really have to give this person 10 out of 10 for an excellent sales pitch.....and effort. I like to see people trying to get themselves into a more rewarding type of employment, but this is the worst idea since Barbara Bush said to George Snr " Let's have an early night honey,I'm feeling horny"

psdtraining

Shake.... can you forward this guys CV onto me, I have a certain member of staff who may well need his obvious experience and skillset quite soon...... ya ken!

__________________
PSD Training - www.psd-training.com
National Securty College, +44 (0) 845 056 3992
*the truest form of knowledge - is experience*

shakespeare

LOL! Well if they're getting to that point then I found a old cv and covering letter from a funeral director (seriously). I'll edit it and post tomorrow. I think you'll enjoy it thoroughly!

psdtraining

I have Coffin Dodger 1 and Coffin Dodger 2 here................. mind you, both still very muc operational, you gotta love 'em sometimes, bring them out when the shite relly hits the fan, then put them back in their cages when it all goes quiet....

I'm not saying that too many years doing this job sends you to the nut house, but someone kind of close by here shouts "contact, wait out" every time the bloody fridge door gets banged shut..... the other coffin dodger now answers to the name "swampy"......... first thing in the morning, naked on way to showers..............it's not a pretty site, but they have to retire somewhere and dying their hair and moustache black and going on telly every 2 minutes isnt their scene...............................I tell ya...............

__________________
PSD Training - www.psd-training.com
National Securty College, +44 (0) 845 056 3992
*the truest form of knowledge - is experience*

shakespeare

LOL.....I'm having a brain wave....Armed Elderly Car Assistants, could be a huge market there...means we could still have fun in hot spots in a few years and they could put our teeth in, mash up our food for us and get rid of the faintly unpleasant smell as we changed mags. The Armed Funeral directors could bring us home using convoys out of the pit too...I'm off to drum up a business plan...

psdtraining

No worries , our perm chef here is already mashing food and we're all used to the 2 coffin dodgers"smells".......... Lilley of the Valley masks most.......

__________________
PSD Training - www.psd-training.com
National Securty College, +44 (0) 845 056 3992
*the truest form of knowledge - is experience*